Archive for the ‘Wedding Steps’ Category

Good news! There is no wrong choice here.  What would be wrong is having a ceremony that does not represent what you both believe is right for you.

Over the course of your relationship you have, hopefully, discussed the significance religion plays in your life.  If you have been brought up in the same faith and worshipped on a regular basis and have a strong reverence for the doctrines and tenets of your religion, then there is little doubt that you would choose to be married in a religious setting and have a religious ceremony.  From a religious standpoint, marriage is considered a sacred rite and if a marriage in not performed in a house of worship by an ordained member of the clergy, the sanctity of the marriage may be regarded as “tainted.”  That is why some religions impose restrictions on where to conduct weddings.  Some clergymen require the future bride and groom to attend a number of counseling sessions or meet other requirements before they agree to marry the couple.  Wedding attire is not dictated in most religious ceremonies, but modesty should be considered by both the wedding party and guests if marrying in a church or temple.  Certain hymns and music may by a staple of such a ceremony and certain protocols limit innovation.

Back in “the old days,” when couples went to a Justice of the Peace or City Hall to get married it was usually for the purpose of expediency or perhaps, if the couple did not have the approval of their parents.   In today’s society, couples lean towards a civil ceremony for other reasons. It is for the couple whose religious convictions do not run deep or who come from different religious backgrounds or do not believe in any religion or have opposing views on religion.  But one of the most compelling reasons for a non-religious ceremony is flexibility.  There are basically no rules as long as a licensed local official performs the ceremony and all the legal documents are filled out and filed properly so that in the end you are lawfully husband and wife.  How long it takes, what to include or exclude is basically set by your level of creativity.

For either ceremony, you will first need a marriage license.  Secondly, you need to find a person to marry you.  You want to be sure that their personality is a good fit with yours.  Granted, if you’ve been a member of the same church or temple for years, then you are already familiar with that person.  But if you are not a member of a specific congregation, you will need to check with several churches and speak to the person who performs the weddings and choose the one with whom you both feel most comfortable and who is available on you selected day. If you are pursuing the civil route, interview at least three potential officiants. After all, if you are planning to say your vows while in a hot air balloon, you need to have someone a little more adventurous than if you plan to marry with your feet on the ground!

Finding an officiant for a civil service is not difficult.  He or she can be one of the following:

• County Clerk
• Court Clerk
• Notary Public
• Judge
• Justice of the Peace
• Mayor
• Ship’s Captain (if you are marrying at sea)
• A good friend or another unauthorized person (as long as a licensed local official witnesses and fills out the legal paperwork) (check your local laws about this)
• “Elvis” (depending on which Chapel of Love you visit in Las Vegas!)

During the interview remember to ask about his or her experience and the fee that will be charged.  Also question what their ceremony includes. The basic civil ceremony usually begins with a brief opening, a reading, consent and vows, the exchange of rings (or not) and a closing.  It is usually brief.  However, you can add your input to any of the proceedings:

• Write your own vows.  However, check to be sure that you include words or sentences to make it legal if you will be replacing the standard vows with your own.  Or, you can simply add your own words to the standard vows.
• Play whatever music you like before, during and after the ceremony.
• Encourage guest participation by having some guests read or say some special words or light candles, etc.
• Keep it formal or casual (in dress and tone).

Civil or religious wedding?  The ceremony is the central part of your wedding day.  When deciding which is the best for you weigh the pros and cons of both options and go with the type of ceremony that fits the wedding you want.  Do what makes you happy as a couple which is what you will strive to do from your wedding day forward.

You are familiar with those multiple choice quizzes (you fill in those little a, b or c circles) and depending upon how you answer you are either a closet snob, a big-time procrastinator, or destined for stardom.  When deciding where to have your wedding, try taking a similar quiz  with your fiancé or fiancée.   You should decide on a venue while your “bliss level” is still high so that you keep the momentum going.  The smaller details are often the hardest parts of the planning process, so enjoy the fun part while you can.  Ask yourselves questions and have discussions to clarify if you are not only a, b, or c, but d, e, f, g, h, i or j!

                        a=all the traditional stuff

                        b=being one with nature (outdoor celebrations)

                        c=civil or church ceremony

                        d=do it yourself (keep it simple)

                        e=escape to an exotic destination

                        f=forget the whole thing (NOT a legitimate option!)

                        g=green is what I want to be

                        h=have it your way (pick a theme)

                        i=intimate moments (smaller can be better)

                        j=just you and me (elopement)

Regardless of what letter or letters best match up with the wedding you have in mind, you need to look at your guest list…take a serious look.  You already know your financial limits.  The number of people you’d like to invite will factor into that budget.  The two definitely affect each other and in the long run influence where you will be married. 

If you’ve been positively charmed by that little chapel in the woods, you might want to trim your list from 200 to 100 because the charm will wear off quickly as people scramble for the limited number of seats.  Fifty guests would feel very comfortable at a home/backyard reception while 300 people would probably need the structure that a hotel or something similar offers.  If your family and friends would enjoy a good meal and time to socialize rather than sway to the music, then a flexible seating arrangement and quality food are more important than a sizable dance floor.  However, if they prefer to “groove and boogie” rather than sit and eat, make sure there is ample room for them to dance to their hearts’ content. 

When you begin your search for “The Place,” be sure you’re ready

• have a pad and pen and camera
• come prepared with a list of questions and don’t be shy
• hone up on your negotiation skills
• don’t sign anything right away

remember:  what looks like a sure thing based on pictures on a website may be totally wrong from an up-close-and-personal vantage point.

Your wedding day should be a reflection of the two of you for it to be truly memorable.  Following posts will offer more details on the above letter options.   You can determine if you are definitely an “i” (with leanings towards “a”) or although “e” sounds so romantic, a “b and g combination” might be what it takes to reach that happy medium between budget and guest list and who you are and what you love.

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…” These are the words of Charles Dickens’ hero as he described the situation in France and London prior to the French Revolution in A Tale of Two Cities.  Dickens’ classic is about a fearful, exciting, somewhat tumultuous period when major changes were taking place; not unlike the pre-wedding stage.  But he also told a beautiful love story.

If you are like most brides-to-be, your wedding day has been a fantasy since you were a child.  Perhaps the face of your “fantasy groom” changed over the years, but the celebration was always an elegant, festive occasion. And now that time has come. You are getting married for real! The days ahead should truly be “the best of times.”  If you are extremely fortunate, that dream wedding with all the hoopla, bells and whistles, pomp & circumstance may be yours.  But for the majority of “married-couples-to-be,” today’s harsh economic environment seems like “the worst of times” to be planning a wedding.  

So what’s a couple to do?   Now more than ever, BUDGET, BUDGET, BUDGET.  Brides and grooms are getting married later and many have careers so they are usually in a better position to foot a good portion of the expenses of their wedding.  Many prefer to pay for their own wedding. However, the national average cost of a wedding is over $28,000, well out of range for a majority of couples to afford on their own.  It is best for the engaged couple to meet with both sets of parents to make financial arrangements and set clear financial limits.  Accepting money from family can come with strings attached.  Be prepared to establish boundaries and be firm in explaining that while you appreciate all financial contributions, this is YOUR wedding.

• There are traditional guidelines (not hard and fast rules) as to who is supposed to pay for what.  Lots of discussion will be involved in determining the outcome.   The final decision depends on who is most willing and able to pay.
• Prioritize the aspects of the wedding. This way you know what you can’t live without or don’t care all that much about.  Once you have an idea of what you want, research vendors and get price quotes; then compare costs between vendors for similar items and/or services. Here are some major categories. They can be broken down into subcategories if needed:
  • Food
  • Liquor 
  • Apparel
  • Aesthetics/Appearance (flowers, decorations, centerpieces, ambiance) 
  • Music 
  • Convenience 
  • Spirituality 
  • Photography 
  • Family and Friends
• Try using a cost estimator which computes the cost of specifics based on your zip code.    Look for a town close to you that may be less expensive.
• Set up a spreadsheet and begin to keep track of expenses.  You can design one or choose one that works best for you from those already available in magazines, books and online. Every purchase should be noted on the worksheet. 
•  Talk to friends, relatives, friends of relatives and relatives of friends about which things they felt were a waste of money.  An artistically designed cake is a must, but the “wedding cake” does not have to feed all your guests.  Supplement a smaller decorated cake with sheet cakes.  No one will know or taste the difference!  Think and rethink the subject of wedding favors. 

Working on a budget does not preclude a less than perfect day.  Sometimes, when it comes to love, compromise and sacrifice are for the greater good. Consider the alternative; the nightmare of having a wedding you cannot afford and starting your lives together burdened with debt. Remember the hero’s words before he makes the ultimate sacrifice for love in A Tale of Two Cities “It is a far, far better thing that I do than I have ever done…”  His story ended sadly, but yours will have a happy ending. Your wedding may not be on as grand a scale as the one you’ve dreamed about, but it will be fabulous! You will marry the person you love and ultimately begin the “best of times” together.

You’re “giddy.”  You are in love and are about to plan the biggest commitment of your life.  You are going to get married.  The question is, “When?”

It is essential to allow enough time for all your arrangements to come together.  The more elaborate a wedding you have in mind, the more time you will need to see it through. If a small event is more to your taste, your timetable can be shortened.   A planning  check list  is extremely useful and will make your lives a whole lot easier.

Situations, often unplanned, may determine when your wedding takes place:

Military deployment

Friend or family illness

Travel accommodations

Relocation

Pregnancy (It happens!)

Many times the bride and groom choose a date that is sentimental to them:

The day they met

Their first date

Lucky numbers

Their dog’s birthday (No kidding.)

Try to avoid dates that are already notable for something else (good or bad) or are very close to other holidays:

April 1 (April Fools Day)

September 11th

Friday the 13th

Halloween

Days designated to Daylight Savings Time changeover

Weekend after Thanksgiving

Valentine’s Day (Romantic yes, but not necessarily unique)

Super Bowl Sunday (May be a day to avoid if you’d like the male guests to be in attendance!)

As far as seasons of the year, each of the four has their virtues and detractions.   The month of June (early part is spring, late part is summer) has been associated with weddings since the Roman Times. A wedding celebrated in June was believed to please Juno, the Roman goddess of marriage.  Paying homage to this goddess by marrying in her month assured riches and happiness for the newlyweds. 

WARNING:  You may not please everyone with your choice of your wedding day.  But this is your day and when it happens should be the right day for you!